it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
