there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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