Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
