So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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