Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
