I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
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We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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