Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
