The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
3pm strippers are depressing
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
