god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
