i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
