She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
