my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
