I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
