Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Actions speak louder than pants.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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