Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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