It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
