no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
