haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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