I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
