I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
My bed smells like the plague
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
