im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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