i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
