Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
