I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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