apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
this boner is exhausting
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
