just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
