were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
