I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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