mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
