no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
