What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Randomize
