He uses pillows to masturbate.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
