I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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