I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
