Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
