She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
