are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
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