I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
