I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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