forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
