Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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