i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
