Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
