You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
