I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
did you just send me my own nude
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
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