I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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