Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
