ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
