Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
