I just pynch a tree in the face
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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