I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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