is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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