I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
