Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
