my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
