I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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